The dialogue in this one is still a little weak, but improved over the previous installment. One simple thing which could be done to make the speech feel more natural would be to always use contractions in dialogue. Always using contractions might be a bit excessive, but with few exceptions in dialogue it's better to err on the side of the informal -- particularly in conversations where children are involved.
"Oh, good God! Listen, Ricky, I didn't mean that. It was a joke. I wasn't being serious!"
"But you have to understand that I can't spend my days at work wondering whether I'll come back to find the farm burned down or a plague of giant pandas galumphing through it. This really can't go on. The Aleramos will look after you, and you'll find children your own age among them."
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Date: 2010-03-26 04:59 pm (UTC)"Oh, good God! Listen, Ricky, I didn't mean that. It was a joke. I wasn't being serious!"
"But you have to understand that I can't spend my days at work wondering whether I'll come back to find the farm burned down or a plague of giant pandas galumphing through it. This really can't go on. The Aleramos will look after you, and you'll find children your own age among them."