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http://inverarity.livejournal.com/ ([identity profile] inverarity.livejournal.com) wrote in [personal profile] fpb 2010-04-02 07:37 pm (UTC)

Speaking of family background, I'm going to mention the mother again. I know this is apparently meant to be a mystery for which you're planning some sort of Big Reveal. However, to simply not even mention her at all is a narrative weakness. Right now, it's as if wizarding children don't have mothers or something, with the question of Ricky's inadequate supervision being a major plot point. Is she working, like his father? Has she been gone since before Ricky can remember? Whenever and however she went away, it should at least be acknowledged that yes, Ricky has/had a mother and she's not in the picture now. You need at least a hint of foreshadowing before you suddenly spring an explanation on us; ignoring her completely and then, somewhere much later in the story, giving us a "And here's why Ricky's mother has never been mentioned until now!" revelation isn't going to feel right.

Also, one other nitpick, while I'm at it:


But Anastasio Attanasio, called Ricky, was not quite like other children.


Ricky has already been introduced. You gave his full name and an explanation of it back in the first chapter, and he's been "Ricky" all through this chapter. So if you want to use his full name here for emphasis ("Anastasio Attanasio was not quite like other children..."), adding "called Ricky" is confusing, because we already know he's called Ricky, so it sounds like you're reintroducing the character.

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