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fpbPlease be kind to this one. I have an idea that it might not go down well, but it is represents a vision I tried to achieve - how successfully, I don't know...
WISE MEN SAY
Music rises from the depths, moving and shaping human life. Melody turns and turns around and reaches back to itself, completing lovely swirling circles that circle and wheel and never weary; as the beat of rhythm moves powerfully onwards, and yet each beat is new, as if a surprise, surging from noting to assert itself, to tell the world, with a thump, I am, I exist; to show that time moves forwards, to extend the song in time, to fill and shape the formless and the void. It drives and turns, it turns and drives; and establishes its own balance, its own space, its own fullness. The music turns, turns on and on.
Nor does love happen to everyone. Some people never meet it at all; and, being so unhappy that they do not know that they are unhappy, they consider themselves happy enough. Some people mistake the foothills, the mere emanation, of the great mountain, for the mountain itself; and then they are startled and confused, when they find that it is not enough to live on. Some people are taken to the top – long or briefly – and prove unable to stay, for it is high and terrible. But those who reach it know that they have reached the centre of their lives, the centre around which music turns.
Wise men say –
Only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Or would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you
Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand
Take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you
A head of thick black hair and a head of flaming red. Turning and turning, without need to count the steps or think of the moves; turning together, because that comes more easily than standing still. Each turning in the orbit of the other, like a moon and a planet, like a planet and a star. Let us make man in our image and likeness; male and female created He them. Harry and Ginny, moving in a path that is to both of them no different from breathing, no less natural than life itself; Harry and Ginny, turning like the evenly-moved wheel, the Love that drives the Sun and the other stars.
Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand
Take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you
The music rises to its great instrumental climax; as if all the turning and turning of galaxies and stars, of light and darkness, of the beating hearts and breathing chests, big and small and endless and endless, as if all the in and out and round and round of all creation, as if all that turns, is at last to be resolved in one firm and majestic moment like this – one great gorgeous chord: one sight of steely, shimmering white, of a resolution in which everything meets -
No I can't help falling in love with you.
WISE MEN SAY
Music rises from the depths, moving and shaping human life. Melody turns and turns around and reaches back to itself, completing lovely swirling circles that circle and wheel and never weary; as the beat of rhythm moves powerfully onwards, and yet each beat is new, as if a surprise, surging from noting to assert itself, to tell the world, with a thump, I am, I exist; to show that time moves forwards, to extend the song in time, to fill and shape the formless and the void. It drives and turns, it turns and drives; and establishes its own balance, its own space, its own fullness. The music turns, turns on and on.
Nor does love happen to everyone. Some people never meet it at all; and, being so unhappy that they do not know that they are unhappy, they consider themselves happy enough. Some people mistake the foothills, the mere emanation, of the great mountain, for the mountain itself; and then they are startled and confused, when they find that it is not enough to live on. Some people are taken to the top – long or briefly – and prove unable to stay, for it is high and terrible. But those who reach it know that they have reached the centre of their lives, the centre around which music turns.
Wise men say –
Only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Or would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you
Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand
Take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you
A head of thick black hair and a head of flaming red. Turning and turning, without need to count the steps or think of the moves; turning together, because that comes more easily than standing still. Each turning in the orbit of the other, like a moon and a planet, like a planet and a star. Let us make man in our image and likeness; male and female created He them. Harry and Ginny, moving in a path that is to both of them no different from breathing, no less natural than life itself; Harry and Ginny, turning like the evenly-moved wheel, the Love that drives the Sun and the other stars.
Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand
Take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you
The music rises to its great instrumental climax; as if all the turning and turning of galaxies and stars, of light and darkness, of the beating hearts and breathing chests, big and small and endless and endless, as if all the in and out and round and round of all creation, as if all that turns, is at last to be resolved in one firm and majestic moment like this – one great gorgeous chord: one sight of steely, shimmering white, of a resolution in which everything meets -
No I can't help falling in love with you.
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no subject
Date: 2004-10-03 05:33 pm (UTC)What struck me first is that some of the lyrics should go; in a songfic you should only keep the few lines that underline the point of your text. For instance:
Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
...is repeated twice. Remove them both, I'd say; keep two/three lines from each verse.
Also, (and my personal opinion only!) the HP books are not defined as Christian. Not that it's pagan or anti-Christian in any way...it's simply noy mentioned, and neither Harry nor Ginny has ever showed any interest toward religion. The reference to God should be removed; focus on the idea of the spinning universe mirrored in the dancers. It's a good image, and you should focus on that instead.
Also, show us more of the dancing couple themselves, their interaction. The way they look at each other, the softness of their touches, a little smile - things that draw the reader in and makes them identify with Harry and Ginny.
Other than that there's a lot of great imagery here, and the idea is good. Your writing is impressive, as always.
I can give you a more thorough feedback in a mail if you want. (But I'm a pretty harsh beta...so you're warned.) ;)
Good job.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-03 05:35 pm (UTC)Sorry 'bout that.